Weapons, Chapter Thirty

 Kahei cracked open an eye as I opened the door, wincing as it creaked.

 “You slept out there?” she mumbled, lifting her head from the pillow slightly. “Kera’s not so good at getting you in, is she?”

 Kera growled quietly, fur raising.

 “No, this is me going out in the morning.” I smiled, raising a hand to soothe Kera.

 “Oh…” Kahei’s head hit the pillow and she frowned. “I didn’t hear you coming in.”

 “I was quiet.”

 “Right…” She turned over.

 I traded a glance with Kera and suppressed my laughter, clicking the door shut behind me.

 “Your bloody friends…”

 “Hush.” I shook my head. “She’s still asleep.”

 “And you’re up early.”

 “Hardly. This is more normal for me.” I shifted my bag further up my arm as it started to slip. Didn’t really need the whole thing, but no harm in carrying it.

 “Normal since when?”

 “Normal since before I started travelling.”

 “Ah, I see.” She shook herself. “Not so much since you started, though.”

 “So? At least it’s not dawn this time.”

 “Point.” Kera looked away, flicking an ear.

 I nodded and left the centre.

 “Not getting something to eat?”

 “I… don’t really feel like eating just now.” I looked up at the tower.

 “Right.” Kera looked up with me, then butted her head into my neck. “Still, you should eat before we go anywhere.”

 “But–”

 “Shut up and get something to eat.” She caught my ear in her teeth. “Now.”

 “Ouch, ok, fine!” I pulled her off gently and stuck her under my arm, heading back inside. “So insistent.”

 “Someone has to be.”

 

 But she couldn’t insist on very much, so I ended up with just a couple of pieces of toast. The tower kinda sapped everything from me.

 I wanted to leave the town. But we’d only just arrived, and… I had to go to the tower. I’d been not thinking about them for a while. But – they’d died because of me. If only I’d not left the house that day. Or scrounged the money for a bus rather than walking…

 “Eat the toast, Ax.”

 “Hm?”

 “Before you drop butter on your shoe, eat the damn toast.”

 “Right. Sorry.” I took a bite, finding the toast still warm… good.

 “And stop thinking that.”

 “What?”

 “Whatever you’re thinking, just – stop it.”

 “There could be a multitude of things I’m thinking,” I replied, around a mouthful of toast. “Which one am I supposed to stop?”

 “The one where you blame yourself for everything that’s happened.”

 “But–”

 “Yeah, we’re not going to know how it might’ve turned out, but this is what’s happened. Don’t live in the past.”

 “Finish each day and be done with it,” I murmured.

 “That’s not yours, is it?” Kera tilted her head. “It sounds slightly too wise.”

 “Thanks.” I finished off the piece in my hands and cupped them around the mug. “They’re not. But I should use them more often.”

 “Start now. Finish off your toast, stop worrying, go for a walk and if we end up at the tower, don’t drown in misery.”

 “How can I not follow that?” I smiled slightly.

 “Because you are an idiot.” Kera pulled one of the pieces of toast from my stack. “You like drowning in misery.”

 “No I don’t.”

 “So why d’you do it so often?”

 “I really haven’t, Kera.” I frowned at her. “Drowning in misery is one of the things I haven’t done much.”

 “Right.” She rolled her eyes.

 I pushed her off the table. “I think the ‘drowning in misery’ that you’re seeing is probably when I’ve been severely shaken by shit that’s been happening.”

 “Is that what we’re calling it now?” She landed on her feet and stared up at me. “Really?”

 “What?” I stared back at her. “Really? How about yes, Kera. That is what we’re calling it. Because that’s what it is.” I stood up. Didn’t much feel like food anymore.

 “Where are you going?”

 I stepped over her. “To the tower. To drown myself in misery. The usual.”

 She didn’t follow. I was glad that she didn’t. I needed this time for myself.

 Her fault, anyway. She was the one that had pushed me into this whole journeying thing. So really – I kicked at a rock, sending it skittering away across the road – she had no business telling me what to do.

 So. I would pay my respects at the tower. And then… I didn’t know. Head west, to Saffron. Look for people. Maybe. Though… if he didn’t want to be found that badly, maybe I should just not bother. There’d be a reason for it. Maybe I shouldn’t go prying into it.

 The tower was quiet, this early. Chanting seemed to be its silence, but that was nice. At least it wasn’t pure silence. A few people stood around the place, but I didn’t bother them and they didn’t bother me as I walked towards the back of the ground floor, between new-looking tombstones. The older ones must be up on the higher levels.

 I didn’t really want to appropriate one – didn’t know how to go about asking, anyway – so I just sort of… found an empty patch of wall to sit against, surrounded by the dead. Even though I’d brought my team for this, I didn’t let them out. Wanted some time on my own first.

 I tilted my head back against the wall, closing my eyes. Betia… “Why did you do that?” I asked, murmuring. “Why did you even follow us…” She’d said something about a debt, but I hadn’t really been paying attention at the time. And Herald. “You should’ve left when you had the chance.” I closed my eyes tighter, fighting the tears. “Gone back to whatever you had before.” I’d given him the choice, but he’d been the one to insist. “Why…”

 <Don’t you remember? He was going to die anyway>

 I looked around. No one there.

 <The infection in his eyes would have killed him, even without the gun>

 That had been my fault as well… “Dammit, Echer.”

 <I wytiwyg="1" thought you didn’t do the whole ‘drowning in misery’ thing>

 “I do when it’s my fault,” I answered without thinking, because even if there wasn’t anyone near, at least there was someone talking.

 <Are you just going to leave it there?>

 “Leave what where?”

 <Leave the journey. They died for it, you know. And you would let their deaths be in vain?>

 “But… why does it matter? I can’t lead more of them into a fate like that. It’ll happen again.”

 <Death does that. And it matters, little one, because you cannot give up when you’ve come so far>

 “It would come a lot slower if I weren’t involved.”

 <So you will let these deaths put you off entirely? Will you not try again, make better on what they have given you?>

 “It’s not just the deaths,” I muttered, rubbing my eyes. “There’ve been – other things.”

 Whoever it was – whatever it was – was silent.

 “Weird stuff keeps happening, and I think it’s my fault. People are going to get hurt.” I winced, remembering Elliot. “People have got hurt.”

 <Do you not want to find out what caused it?>

 “Can you tell me?”

 < … You are not ready. Not yet>

 “When? When will I–”

 “Are you talking to yourself now, Alexander?”

 Practically growling to myself, I opened my eyes and looked up. John was standing over me, smirking.

 “There’s a turn up… finally snapped, have you?”

 “Lose your job, did you?” I looked away, trying not to scowl.

 “That was temporary employment. Are you – have you been crying?”

 I scrubbed a hand over my eyes. “What’s it to you?”

 “Just curious.”

 “Go’n be curious elsewhere.”

 “Won’t find the answers anywhere else.”

 “Then I suppose,” I said, standing up, “You’ll just have to be disappointed.”

 There were more people here now. How long had I been sitting there?

 <Time has no meaning for us>

 “Really? That’s a pity… hey, where’s your pikachu? She’s not…” He trailed off, looking around.

 “What? No. No, we’re just… not together all the time.” I frowned, shaking my head.

 “So why’re you – oh.” John hung his head. “Right.”

 “Yeah.” I nodded, looking away.

 “I… sorry about her.”

 “Thanks.”

 John nodded and turned away. “Well – I only came in here to find someone, but he’s not here, so… I’ll be going.”

 “Who you looking for?”

 “Doctor Fuji. About the ghosts – I can’t see them properly to catch them.” He gestured through the roof. “But he’s not here, and the upper floors are pretty thick with them.”

 “Right. Well – bye.”

 “Yeah. See ya.”

 I watched him leave, frowning a little. Maybe this journeying was good for people.

 <You will find nothing else here. Leave. To Celadon, I have need of a friend>

 “Go yourself,” I murmured. “Why ask me?”

 <Because I can only go where you go, currently. To Celadon, and be quick>

 “What about Saffron?”

 <That city is none of your business right now>

 I heard… fear in the voice. What was bad about Saffron?

 <It is none of your business. Get to Celadon>

 Hm. I turned back to the wall. Maybe in a while.

 I sat down again, releasing my team. “Hi, guys.”

 Echer looked around. “Right.”

 Keyare placed a paw against a nearby tombstone, bowing his head. His was a history I didn’t particularly want to know, at the moment.

 “Where’s Kera?” Keyethin asked, looking around.

 I paused, and then shrugged. “No idea. I sort of… left her in the centre.”

 “‘Left her’?” Keysorkin tilted her head.

 “We might’ve argued.”

 “I’ll go and find her.”

 “No – Keysorkin – don’t!”

 “Why not?” She turned back to look at me.

 I dropped my hand. There wasn’t really any reason I could use. She nodded and waddled out of sight.

 “That bad?” Keyethin extended a vine to my hand.

 I sat down, gripping it tightly. “It’ll be fine.”

 “Right.” Echer snorted, shaking his head.

 “This is where you went?” Kera stepped around a nearby tombstone, pushed ahead of Keysorkin.

 “Where else?” I looked up. “Drowning in misery, remember?”

 She shook herself. “Ax…”

 “I know. I do.” I shrugged. “But – people do that. It’s a human thing.”

 “Right.”

 “Not been around people much, have you?” Keyethin glanced over at her.

 “Can’t say I have, no.”

 I shuffled over to Keyare, leaving the others to talk. “You doing ok?”

 He flicked his tail, not looking up. “I’ve done… I don’t want to remember, Ax.”

 “It’s ok.”

 “It’s not.” He shook his tail. “The things I’ve done…”

 “They’re in the past, alright? We can’t change that.” I put an arm around his shoulders. “But you can change, yeah? We can manage.”

 “Where d’you get that from?”

 “The voice in my head.” I shrugged.

 “What?” He looked up at that, staring at me.

 “Seriously. Don’t live in the past.”

 “Don’t hold onto something that’s changing fast.”

 I grinned, bouncing to my feet. “We’ll not quote the rest, but you get the jist?”

 Keyare tilted his head. “I’m… not sure I do?”

 “We’ve all got things we’re not proud of. But we can’t keep dwelling on them.”

 <Why do you preach what you don’t believe?>

 I ignored the voice, watching Keyare.

 He nodded slowly.

 “So where we headed now?” Echer asked.

 “To Celadon,” I replied. “No – wait… sticking around until Heachtan gets back. I said we’d be here.”

 “Where’s he gone?”

 “Delivering a letter. Don’t know how long it’ll take him.”

 “Great.” Kera snorted. “So what do we do until he gets back? Hang around here, getting more depressed?”

 “Hardly.” I beckoned them to follow me out of the tower. “Can’t have us all being angsty the whole time, can we?”

 “Maybe not.”

 “So…”

 “Relax, catch up on the sleep thing, maybe… ooh, I don’t know. Look around the place a bit.” It would give me something to do.

 “For your dad?”

 “Might as well.” I shrugged.

 “Fairly small town, shouldn’t take too long.” Keyare looked around as we exited the tower.

 “Could take longer than you’re anticipating. No idea what he looks like.”

 “What?”

 “You can’t be serious.”

 “Sadly, yes. I’ve only got a name.”

 “Urgh.”

 “Fool’s errand, much?”

 “We’ll get there, Keysorkin.” I smiled down at her.

 Probably not, but hey. I could pretend to have hope for them.

 <How long until you fool yourself, though?>

 I stiffened, shaking my head. Just a voice in my head… probably one I should be ignoring.

 <We will never be fooled, you know that. Pretend for them, if it makes you happy>